June is on it's way

I miss her. June is coming quickly and her due date will be here before I know it. (June 25th) I just wanna sleep through that day. I dunno how you all did the whole due date thing. There are people I see that were pregnant at the same time as me. They are still pregnant. Yea yea, I know I'm pregnant again. But it's not that I miss being pregnant, I miss HER. Her life inside of my life. I knew her and now she's gone. I do love this tater tot baby SO much and am not saying I would rather have her then tater tot... I want them both. Maybe I'm just greedy. How dare me.

 Today we found a really good deal on a crib mattress. I had to buy it. I didn't think we would find another deal like that. Ok so I brought it home, took it upstairs, and looked at her. There she is, in her crib, in her urn, wrapped in her blankie. She was there with all of her stuff. The place she's been since January. What was I supposed to do. Buy a new crib? Leave her in that crib in our room forever. Trust me, I thought about it. Grief makes crazy things make sense. That's why I haven't kept her out of the crib since January. It was ment for her, so she should be in there... right? But now I have this mattress. I didn't even think about it when I bought it. Like I said, there are 2 sides of me. Where would it go? Will tater tot sleep on a mattress on the floor while their sister's ashes lay still in the crib. Again, I thought about it. I decided to move her. She felt heavier then normal while I was moving her out of the crib. Heavy with guilt maybe. I'm not sure. I moved her and all of her things, out of the crib. The cards, our peace bear, her ashes, my d/c papers from the hospital, her footprint cast, EVERYTHING. The crib was empty. So empty it hurt. Here is kinda what it looked like before I moved everything...

She's next to  the vase, wrapped up in the white blanket. The purple bag has her foot print cast in it. The bunny in the pink onsie has hear heartbeat in it. This is a pic from February, there has been much more stuff since then. 

Here it is now:

It's all moved now. She's still in our room. In fact, now she is where I can see her all the time. We are going to build a shelf to put her and all her things on. Until then, she's on the dresser. My daughter is on the dresser in a box. Damnit. Whoever told me that the 4th month after we lost her was going to suck, You were right.

I love my baby turkey tater tot. I love it with such a deep love that it makes me cry when I think about it too much. It doesn't mean I miss or love Grace  any less. Like I said, I want both. I think I'm being greedy.

I think I'll update TTT's blog soon. I have a lot to say... Then you can think I'm crazy when you read all about the OTHER side of me.

First Appointment.

We had our first appointment for our rainbow baby today.

This is Rainbow Baby's Blog

I feel like there are 2 sides of me now.This side, here on this blog, here in my safe spot. And that side, over there on Rainbow's blog. There are similarities between the two blogs, and there are serious differences that I wouldn't dare mention over there. 

 It was just an inital question/answer sesion with a little blood work and stuff like that. We met with the midwife "L.C." She is the reason why I switched to that practice to begin with. I saw her do some deliveries while I was working in L&D and I just thought she was amazing. She has had several losses and was VERY understanding about all of my crazy fears I have right now. I'm going to have my first ultrasound on April 15th to try to see tater tot's little heartbeat and to properly date our rainbow. She called me 5 weeks 2 days right now. Ryan and I think I am 4w6d but whatever. Then I'll have an ultrascreen between 11-13 weeks with Dr. Awesome, the high risk guy, to look @ the nuchal Translucency.

It was tough to go back there. Actually, It was sickening. The only time that I have been to this particular location for our OB office was the day that we got the bad news for Grace Willow. In the beginning of Jan we sat as far away from all of the other pregnant bellies as possible. Tough luck, it was a busy day. They all talked about their babies and how they were kicking. We sat there and waited, hoping to hear good news and hoping that the 3d ultrasound place was wrong.  We had another ultrasound and they saw the hydrops, they saw everything. We walked out of that appointment headed towards the Maternal Fetal Medicine guys, crying while all of the bellies stared at us with their nice happy pregnancies. Anyway, fast forward to now. I didn't want to sit in the same spot, we sat as far away as we could but it was a busy day again and we had to sit right next to where we sat before.

That long chair, that's where we sat last time. It doesn't look scary... It looks peaceful. But it's not. It's a scary dark place where you wait to find out that your baby will die.

We shouldn't have to go back to this office again. There is a location that is about 5 mins from us that we will go to from now on. There were still bellies looking at us. Probably because I don't have a belly yet? I dunno, maybe they know what happened to us. It felt like they did. Again they talked about their babies kicking. Am I ever going to feel that?  We had a different nurse then we had last time. We saw a different doctor. Things were different. I want them to continue to be different. She said that we can have as many ultrasounds as we need to make us feel reassured. I appreciate this. Our insurance company won't, but I do.

These fears are obnoxious. I'm back to not sleeping well . It'll be nice if we get some reassurance after our inital ultrasound. I just really really hope and pray that everything is ok in there. Like I've said before, Kangaroos' have it so easy. They can just open their pouch and peek in on their little Joey's development. I wish I could do that too! I just have to be at peace with the fact that things will turn out just as they are supposed to.

Oh and why when they need to do a vag exam..and they have you undress from waist down, do they give you something about as big as a paper towel to cover your entire bottom half. Seriously? I needed about 4 of those to cover myself. I'm picture happy ya know..but not that picture happy. They'll be no pix of me , my shirt, and a paper towel skirt. Don't get me wrong, I did think about it.

As I was siting there in my paper towel skirt and "L.C." was telling me about how she had had so many losses, all I could do was sit there and think. "This can happen over and over again?" Nooo. Please God , Please don't let this happen again. Please let me bring home a healthy baby. PLEASE.

Tator Tot

Hello Everyone. We're proud and nervous to tell you  all: We are expeciting our Rainbow  around Nov 29 - Dec 2. We're very happy and  very nervous about everything. We hesitated on wheather or not to tell everyone but we just couldn't hold back. Our new blog about our Tator Tot is : http://lifebeneaththewillows.blogspot.com/ All who are willing, are welcome to follow us on this journey.

I made my new blog unprivate for a while. I don't think most of you were getting my updates when I would post new things while I was private. Weird.

Anyway, I just got off of work and I'm getting ready to go to bed! I'll write more later.

*hugs*

Waiting for April Showers

Well hello! I know, I know... it's been awhile. I dunno why I haven't kept up with writting. I've definatley been keeping up with reading though. This night shift thing is messing with me a bit. I'll get used to it soon I'm sure. 

Everyone please pray for Bree & Nora and their family,  while they are in the hospital trying to get Nora baked a little longer prior to her arrival. Bree I'm thinking about you guys constantly and I hope you know how much we all care about you!!!

So not much has been going on with me. I'm kinda boring. Work is going really well back on my old floor. I really missed the people and it's been great to be around them again.   :o)

Oh, I guess something big did happen since the last time I wrote. Ryan got laid off!! Doesn't that suck!? Now we're living on just my income until he can find another job. We also lost our health insurance and had to pick up the crappy insurance at my work. Hmmmf. He's trying hard to find a job but it's not a quick process that's for sure. He worked at an engineering and architecture firm and does CADD and stuff like that. Fun fun.

We've been walking a lot since the weather has been niceish lately. We even went on a picnic today at a park that had weeping willows. We sat under one while we ate. Weeping willows always remind me of Grace Willow. They aren't quite green yet  but they have nice little buds on them. I can't wait to see them in a month or so. There were a bunch of geese and ducks sitting around us as we ate our little picnic. They freaked Ryan out which was kinda funny. Other then that, it was nice and  pretty relaxing. Some of the tulips are starting to flower around here. I love when that happens. It's a sure sign that spring is coming and new life is on it's way. The ducks were even walking around in pairs today. It was cute. I'm sure there will be little duckings soonish. I took some pix but it was getting ready to rain at the time! Rain or not, it was 65 degrees today! WOO!

We got home and took the dogs out for a run in the field before the rain. 

KenziMylee

See Mylee running behind Kenzi in the pic above? She's crazyi! HAHA. Oh, and It didn't even end up raining until way late in the evening.

Yesterday, we took them for a walk in the woods.

Our dogs are like our children!  I scrapbook so I always take an inappropriate ammount of pix! HAHAHA

Mylee and Me

Monica let a balloon go for Grace during her balloon release for her Gracie Jane

Up, Up, and Away!!

(Thank you BB. Love your Guts.)

I guess I'm waiting for April Showers to come and wash away all of the sadness from the last few months. Wouldn't that be nice if that's all it took?? Seriously though, 2010 has sucked. January, we lost Grace. Febuary, Ryan lost his job. Lastly, March, some wires in our fishtank caught on fire while I was home and spread like crazy, very quickly! It was a good thing I was home and was able to get it under control. If it would have been a while later and I would have been at work, we would have lost everything. We were so lucky that nothing was damaged except for the fishtank lights. It was an electrical fire so all I had to do was cut the power and it stopped. It scared the crap out of me though! I can't believe how fast it spread, and how quickly it stopped. It turned out that the wires in the lights we have were just crappy. We've had them for years and then poof, all the sudden they burn up and catch on fire.  I'm really hoping for a peaceful April.

I can't believe it's been a little over 2 months since we lost our beautiful Grace Willow. :o(

*sigh* Oh gosh I miss her so much it hurts. I know I've said that a million times but I can't help it. I feel the pain of my emptiness every second of the day. I still dream about her dying all of the time. I wish I could get at least one glimpse of her happy healthy body and soul playing in a meadow in heaven. It just hasn't happened yet. I had one dream where she was alive, a week and a half before the ultrasound, and a few days before the emptiness began. She died in that dream too but she was alive off and on throughout the whole thing. I was sitting in a corner watching myself have the surgery. Watching the emptiness in process.  She was born alive, I held her for a while, she died, I revived her, Ryan held her, she died, he revived her, handed her back to me, and she died again. That's the jist. It was a VERY weird dream and it haunts me. I'm starting to forget what her little flutters felt like. I only felt them for the last 2 weeks before she died. It wasn't nearly long enough. I'm starting to forget. I hate that. I want to remember her little flutters but it's fading. I listen to her heartbeat that I have in her heartbeat bunny EVERY SINGLE NIGHT before I go to sleep. It's a beautiful sound.

*snif snif, cough cough* Blech I'm sick right now. Of course I am now that I have crappy health insurance. I think it's just a sinus thing. I'm taking dayquil now and it's helping a bit.

Anyway... with this new spring like weather I am hoping to start feeling refreshed soon. We'll see. Ok, well I think that's about all that's going on. I hope you all have a peaceful day.

Snap Decisions

How quickly things change...

Well this past week and a half that I have been back to work has been AWFUL. I was hoping to get on here and tell you how well I handled it. Some  days I felt like I was doing ok. However, all in all, it didn't end up ok. It ended up awful. I don't even know if awful is a shitty enough word for how it was. I can't go into much because of HIPPA and stuff. I can say:  I've had patients that don't care weather or not their baby lives or dies. I've had people ask how my pregnancy is going. I've had people say that this happend to us to "teach us a lesson."  I've found out things about Grace's delivery that I never ever ever wanted to know. I've heard a lot of crying babies. I've seen a few babies deliever far before they were ready. I've seen a fetal demise at a similar gestation. I've seen my doctors that I saw while I was pregnant, and through the loss of our sweet girl. And I've cried a lot. A LOT A LOT A LOT.

Today I quit my job as a L&D/High Risk OB nurse.

I left this morning and knew I couldn't go back. I just can't. I guess it's too fresh. I tried. I tried so hard, and I feel like I failed.  I did fail. I couldn't keep my $h!t together enough for my patients. It was too much. I couldn't not relate their situation to mine.  I couldn't go into  the room that I used to sit with the doppler and listen to her beautiufl heartbeat. I couldn't even look at the room where I was when I first felt her flutters within me.  I can't look at my doctors hands and not know that he held my baby. I can't. That's all I ever say and feel anymore is I CAN'T. I think I failed... but there is nothing I can do about it now.

I called my manager from my old floor. I left there because I so badly wanted to do OB. Or so I thought. However, I really LOVED my old floor. I LOVED the people I worked with, and I LOVED my manager there. Anyway I called her and told her I was having a hard time and she offered my job back. My L&D manager was cool with me going back to my old floor, and was not suprised because of what I'd been through. So, I quit. I'm a quitter. And I now work back at my old home and I feel so much relief with this decision. I am so lucky that my previous floor was able to take me back. I really do love it there. I have such wonderful supportive friends there and it will be great to be back with them. I'm SO lucky. It was quite the snap decision THIS AM, but I think it was the best one for me. You could have never told me yesterday that today would have brought such change, but such is life. My parents and Ryan, and many of you have told me that it might not be best for me to stay on OB right now. You said it might be too much. I didn't want to listen, I wanted to be strong and stick it out, but you were right. There, I said it: YOU WERE RIGHT.

Anyway.....

Thanks to Franchesca for Grace Willow's beautiful hope collage! How wonderful of her to make these for us! She has such a talent!!

Well... I think that's all I feel like saying for now. *hugs* to all of you. Thanks for your support as I went back to work. Sorry I didn't quite make it. I guess I'm no real  example of strength for anyone after a loss. Maybe  someday I will be, but that day isn't today.

Balloons and Giant Koalas

Today I'm going to make a more positive post.... Here it goes.

We did a balloon release for our Grace Willow today.

It felt nice to honor her in this way.

We both wrote her letters and said a few things when we released the balloons.

Ok for those of you that don't know me THAT well yet, I'm a bit picture happy.

          

We took like 50 pictures... can you believe that? Well, If you know me well, you can. Ha ha.

Today has been a decent day. Tomorrow.. who knows what it will bring. I'm on an emotional rollercoaster and I want off this ride. LET ME OFF. If only it was that easy.

Thank you all for all of your wonderful and encouraging words on my last post.

As far as going back to work.... I have to. A lot of you asked if I'm sure I'm ready... no not really. I don't know when I'll every really fell READY. I think I just have to do it. We shall see though. I took 2 weeks off after the T18 diagnosis, and 4 weeks off after she died. I am kinda outta time. Christy is right though, if it really doesn't work out for some reason, I'll re think things. I work 12 hr shifts so it's only 3 days a week... I'm trying to talk myself into this. Everyone I work with is really supportive. They know the disease process, they know what happened. At least I won't have a lot of explaining to do with them. It's not them though I'm worried about I guess.. It's the patients.. the situation... the looks people will give me. Hmmf.   I really appreciate all your thoughts and prayers as I go back. You guys are pretty awesome.. have I told you that?

I am excited to get out of this house and actually do something productive! I haven't been doing ANYTHING. I've hardly seen ANYONE or done anything. I need to get out. And I'm happy that I'll be working with women that I can help emotionally. I hope I can. I'm new to L&D, and high risk. I think I'll really be looking at things from a different perspective on the high risk end of it. They are scared... just as much as some of you were scared. I'm going to help them... at least that's the plan.

I'm still nervous, I'm still terrified.

"Do not be terrified; do no be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9B

So what are your plans for Vday? We are just going to stay home and make some chicken cordon bleu together. Fun! We'll probably watch some movies and have a fire in the fireplace too hopefully. I have to go to bed SO early tomorrow night. I am a night shifter normally (7p-7a) and this first week back they have me on days (7a-7p). I need to adjust my sleep schedule.

Speaking of sleep, the Ambien CR 12.5 mg my dr switched me to (from regular Ambien 5mg)  is working a little! Last time I wrote my blog was my frist time I took it, It worked that night before and has worked ever since. It does still take 2 hrs to get to sleep but that's ok! I sleep well when I get to sleep, and I wake up rested. My dreams though... they're crazy. She still dies every night in my dreams... And now, giant.. I mean GIANT koala's are chasing me in my dreams too. Weird. (Maybe it's my new babylost friends in Australia making me dream of Koala's?!?! LOL)

Oh, can you guys send me your e mails if you get a chance so I can make my blog private and send you guys invites?? I have a lot of them, but I don't want to miss any. scubaloo4@yahoo.com

Ok, well, I'm going to start my trying to sleep now. *hugs* to all of you. Sweet dreams bloggy friends.

3 weeks and 5 days later...

Hi Everyone!

First of all, thank you to each and every one of you for providing your support and kind words to me. Thank you all so much for being so brave and sharing your stories. I didn't know there was such a huge community of babylost moms out there. It's sad to see how many of you there are. Like so many say... our secret club that no one wants to be a part of. It's been amazing meeting all of you strong women through this blog. How do you provide strength to others when your own heart is breaking and you are feeling so weak yourselves? For this, I really thank you all. You are all stronger then you know.

3 weeks, 5 days:

Counting weeks and days before ment something completley different. Before, days were accomplishments. We loved reading about what each week meant for our baby. All the new things her body developed, we couldn't wait to meet her. Each day was a day closer to the day we'd hold our baby. How little we knew... Now, it's all about days passed since she died. 3 weeks and  5 days since "the emptiness" began. It's been THREE WEEKS and 5 DAYS since she died. On Dec 31st, someone put me into slow motion. On Jan 15th, someone pushed pause. Lifes going by, people are doing things, and I'm just sitting here, stuck in my own grief, anger, sadness, and jealousy. How dare the sun rise on any day after the 15th. How dare it. There is a song lyric that I really relate to, by Sara Bareilles, that says "Oh it looks like rain tonight, and thank God, cuz a clear sky just wouldn't feel right." It's been mostly grey outside along with the snow, and I don't mind at all. It SHOULD be grey. It better be.

3 weeks and 5 days later, I feel like I should be behind a sign that says: "please excuse my dust, I am remodeling." Have you seen those before?? Well that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm remodeling. I'm trying to find the new me, as much of you are trying to find the new you. So far, I haven't found me. Where am I? I've caught myself in the mirror over the last 3 weeks and 5 days. Pale , tear soaked cheeks, puple puffies under my eyes, and no smile to be found. That's not me is it?

Somebody asked me the other day if I am "better." What does that mean? Do they want me to say yes, would that make them feel better?? I feel like I should start saying that I'm fine so people will get to hear what they want to hear. Monica said it best when she said "It's like they are relieved that they don't have to think of the right thing to say." I am trying to be patient with people, I really am. If I say I am better, and when I do start to FEEL better... will that mean she is forgotten by others? By me? Is it going to be ok to feel happiness from time to time? I don't even really remember what that's like. To feel REAL happiness... the kind I had before "the emptiness" began, I don't remember it much.

I'm so tired of not sleeping. I'm tired of the nightmares. I'm tired of Ambien not working.

 I'm tired.

I feel tired all day. I do get tired at night, but my thoughts keep me awake. I go upstairs, get in bed, and think, think, think. I cry, I think, then I fall asleep after 3-4 hours! I can't believe it. I've tried cutting my caffine, and really watching anything sugary I eat. It hasn't helped. I know that part of it is because I am scared of my dreams. How can I make my nightmares go away??  I know I've talked about my sleeping before in my last blog, but it just isn't improving. Last night, I only spent 2 hours trying to sleep. That's much better then the 3-4 it's been taking. Maybe, just maybe, that'll happen tonight too.

Well, I'm going back to work Monday. I need to go back to work. Behing home is making me crazy. I've been so lonely and SO bored lately. This on top of my grief and sadness is getting old. I need to get back to work and establish some sort of a normal routine. There's just one problem: I'm a L&D and High Risk OB nurse. Seriously... pregnant people/baby overload. I'm nervous. Make that terrified. I think I just need to get it over with. Go in there, face my fears, and deal with it.

 "To live with the conscious knowledge of the shadow of uncertainty, with the knowledge that disaster or tragedy could strike at any time; to be afraid and to know and acknowledge your fear, and still to live creatively and with unstinting love: that is to live with grace."

Peter Henry Abrahams

I have to be happy for them. I should be happy that they don't know this pain. They don't know how terribly wrong things could go. That's a good thing. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy.

Thanks for that quote Monica. You're pretty awesome and our belly talking letters back and forth keep me going.   :o)   Your heart and strength are amazing.

The lyrics to Glory baby.. I mean seriously, WOW. I feel like that is my theme song in the last few weeks. It's playing right now as I write this. It's so beautiful.

Glory Baby : Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..

You were growing, what happened dear?

You disappeared on us baby…baby..

Heaven will hold you before we do

Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…

Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday

Miss you in every way

But we know there’s a

day when we will hold you

We will hold you

You’ll kiss our tears away

When we’re home to stay

Can’t wait for the day when we will see you

We will see you

But baby let sweet Jesus hold you

‘till mom and dad can hold you…

You’ll just have heaven before we do

You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to

understand it ‘cause we’re hurting

We are hurting

But there is healing

And we know we’re stronger people through the growing

And in knowing-

That all things work together for our good

And God works His purposes just like He said He would…

Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies

and what they must sound like

But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home

And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Goodness.

Oh, does anyone know how or if I can make my blog private so only my followers can read it? I really don't need the rest of the world reading all of this. Am I even able to make it private?

My thoughts are too scattered tonight. I can't get even half of my thoughts out that I want to. I think I'm about done for now.

My soul is deprived of peace, I have forgotten what happiness is; I tell myself my future is lost, all that I hoped for from the Lord... But I will call this to mind, as my reason to have hope: the favors of the Lord are not exhausted, his mercies are not spent; they are renewed each morning, so great is his faithfulness. My portion is the Lord, says my soul; therefore I will hope in him. (Lamentations 3:17-18, 21-24)