June is on it's way
I miss her. June is coming quickly and her due date will be here before I know it. (June 25th) I just wanna sleep through that day. I dunno how you all did the whole due date thing. There are people I see that were pregnant at the same time as me. They are still pregnant. Yea yea, I know I'm pregnant again. But it's not that I miss being pregnant, I miss HER. Her life inside of my life. I knew her and now she's gone. I do love this tater tot baby SO much and am not saying I would rather have her then tater tot... I want them both. Maybe I'm just greedy. How dare me.
Today we found a really good deal on a crib mattress. I had to buy it. I didn't think we would find another deal like that. Ok so I brought it home, took it upstairs, and looked at her. There she is, in her crib, in her urn, wrapped in her blankie. She was there with all of her stuff. The place she's been since January. What was I supposed to do. Buy a new crib? Leave her in that crib in our room forever. Trust me, I thought about it. Grief makes crazy things make sense. That's why I haven't kept her out of the crib since January. It was ment for her, so she should be in there... right? But now I have this mattress. I didn't even think about it when I bought it. Like I said, there are 2 sides of me. Where would it go? Will tater tot sleep on a mattress on the floor while their sister's ashes lay still in the crib. Again, I thought about it. I decided to move her. She felt heavier then normal while I was moving her out of the crib. Heavy with guilt maybe. I'm not sure. I moved her and all of her things, out of the crib. The cards, our peace bear, her ashes, my d/c papers from the hospital, her footprint cast, EVERYTHING. The crib was empty. So empty it hurt. Here is kinda what it looked like before I moved everything...
She's next to the vase, wrapped up in the white blanket. The purple bag has her foot print cast in it. The bunny in the pink onsie has hear heartbeat in it. This is a pic from February, there has been much more stuff since then.
Here it is now:
It's all moved now. She's still in our room. In fact, now she is where I can see her all the time. We are going to build a shelf to put her and all her things on. Until then, she's on the dresser. My daughter is on the dresser in a box. Damnit. Whoever told me that the 4th month after we lost her was going to suck, You were right.
I love my baby turkey tater tot. I love it with such a deep love that it makes me cry when I think about it too much. It doesn't mean I miss or love Grace any less. Like I said, I want both. I think I'm being greedy.
I think I'll update TTT's blog soon. I have a lot to say... Then you can think I'm crazy when you read all about the OTHER side of me.
16 comments:
(((Megan))) I totally understand your feelings. I love the new one inside of me, but I long to have her big sister too. It is hard!
Moving things is always hard. I have found that the days leading up to a big event (like the due date) and wondering how it will be is often times worse than the big event itself.
I will be praying for you as you walk through these several weeks and your pregnancy.
Love, Michelle
you're not greedy. you're not crazy. you're grieving and rejoicing and being the best mommy you can be. keep it up! much love and hugs.
Thinking of you...
I think I'm in the minority, but the EDDs have never been too rough for me because I never really "expected" my children to be born then. Their birthdays were much harder, because those are "their" days, not just an estimation. But, that being said, on Nick and Sophie's EDD, we threw a party for friends and were surrounded by love. For Alexander's, I was on bedrest, and I actually remember feeling more sad because it was a reminder that I had fallen short... That I had let him down because he was born 5+ months before.
Every day is hard. A new baby doesnt change that. Be gentle with yourself...
:( so hard to make a step forward..even though you will never leave her behind, its still so much harder than anyone knows..big hugs..
I'm sure it feels that way but your not one bit greety. I'm wish it wasn't so rough right now. Big hugs.
Megan, you are not being selfish. I feel the exact same way... and reading your post confirms just how normal it is to want BOTH of our babies here with us. I remember the four month mark after losing Jenna was probably the lowest point for me. Just let yourself feel what you have to feel. It will get better, grief is a roller coaster and so unpredictable. I am glad you were able to buy the mattress for your little tater tot, that definitely shows some healing (no matter HOW good a deal it was :) Thinking of you!
xo
It is a struggle missing one baby while carrying another- but it is ok and you love them both the same.
I know how you feel. I did not have my precious new rainbow boy in my belly on my Miah's due date (but I ended up getting pregnant with him sometime that week)We have a pottery shop in the area that we went to and painted her a vase on her due date.
But I am pregnant now and know what it's like to look at baby clothes when you want more than anything to clothe your baby that's in Heaven.
You are such a strong strong woman. You are very blessed. I love reading what you have to say because I look up to you.
I read somewhere where a woman said that her baby that had passed away picked out the next baby that was to come (sorry I can't remember who she was) but she would think about how her rainbow was hand picked to be perfect in joy and peace and love.
You and your family are in my prayers!
Love you so much!
-Jamie
I'm sure that was a hard thing to do and I'm sorry! I don't think you're greedy. You just want what any mom wants-ALL her children.
You are not crazy and you are not greedy. :) You miss your baby and you have every right to, especially with it being so soon and her due date approaching. Your feelings are normal. Thinking of you! I love that little bunny!
You aren't greedy at all you just wish to hold her baby girl in your arms just like every mother does-Only some of us don't get to hold them and look into their eyes we just have the precious memories and the pain of what will never be.
Allison's birthday will be this sunday ( 1yr) and I am already remembering with more tears than a single tissue can hold that just one year ago she was safe inside me and playing and growing- and I too am 32 wks pregnant with a ''rainbow baby'' but I still miss and love my baby girl- in no way do I think my son growin in me takes away the pain of losing his sister. I can't even manage to look at her urn right now becasue it hurts so much !
I understand the due date. For me, the anticipation of it was far worse than when the actual day came. Just know that your feelings are normal.
Thinking of you!!!
I am there with you - every word of it. Somehow the good should cancel out every bit of the bad and the ugly, but it never does. There will always be a void, no matter how many little beans I pop out in the next few years. Hugs...
IF you are greedy, then so is every mama who is pregnant after a loss. I can't imagine NOT feeling as you do ~ wanting all your children. And you are not the only one who has their daughter in their room or who has let time stand still for a bit. I still have not moved ANYTHING from where it was. EVERYTHING and Ameila's ashes are still in my room. I cannot bear to move them.
I completely understand you! You are not greedy, we all want our babies here with us!! The date was one day after Kasey grew his wings, so it was all so soon, but I think he planned it like that, he didn't want to grow his wings the day he was supposed to be born. ((hugs))
Sad that wanting our children with us makes us feel greedy when so many people take such luxuries for granted. Of course you aren't greedy--you are a mother!!!!!
Bless your heart!
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