Snap Decisions

How quickly things change...

Well this past week and a half that I have been back to work has been AWFUL. I was hoping to get on here and tell you how well I handled it. Some  days I felt like I was doing ok. However, all in all, it didn't end up ok. It ended up awful. I don't even know if awful is a shitty enough word for how it was. I can't go into much because of HIPPA and stuff. I can say:  I've had patients that don't care weather or not their baby lives or dies. I've had people ask how my pregnancy is going. I've had people say that this happend to us to "teach us a lesson."  I've found out things about Grace's delivery that I never ever ever wanted to know. I've heard a lot of crying babies. I've seen a few babies deliever far before they were ready. I've seen a fetal demise at a similar gestation. I've seen my doctors that I saw while I was pregnant, and through the loss of our sweet girl. And I've cried a lot. A LOT A LOT A LOT.

Today I quit my job as a L&D/High Risk OB nurse.

I left this morning and knew I couldn't go back. I just can't. I guess it's too fresh. I tried. I tried so hard, and I feel like I failed.  I did fail. I couldn't keep my $h!t together enough for my patients. It was too much. I couldn't not relate their situation to mine.  I couldn't go into  the room that I used to sit with the doppler and listen to her beautiufl heartbeat. I couldn't even look at the room where I was when I first felt her flutters within me.  I can't look at my doctors hands and not know that he held my baby. I can't. That's all I ever say and feel anymore is I CAN'T. I think I failed... but there is nothing I can do about it now.

I called my manager from my old floor. I left there because I so badly wanted to do OB. Or so I thought. However, I really LOVED my old floor. I LOVED the people I worked with, and I LOVED my manager there. Anyway I called her and told her I was having a hard time and she offered my job back. My L&D manager was cool with me going back to my old floor, and was not suprised because of what I'd been through. So, I quit. I'm a quitter. And I now work back at my old home and I feel so much relief with this decision. I am so lucky that my previous floor was able to take me back. I really do love it there. I have such wonderful supportive friends there and it will be great to be back with them. I'm SO lucky. It was quite the snap decision THIS AM, but I think it was the best one for me. You could have never told me yesterday that today would have brought such change, but such is life. My parents and Ryan, and many of you have told me that it might not be best for me to stay on OB right now. You said it might be too much. I didn't want to listen, I wanted to be strong and stick it out, but you were right. There, I said it: YOU WERE RIGHT.

Anyway.....

Thanks to Franchesca for Grace Willow's beautiful hope collage! How wonderful of her to make these for us! She has such a talent!!

Well... I think that's all I feel like saying for now. *hugs* to all of you. Thanks for your support as I went back to work. Sorry I didn't quite make it. I guess I'm no real  example of strength for anyone after a loss. Maybe  someday I will be, but that day isn't today.