First Appointment.

We had our first appointment for our rainbow baby today.

This is Rainbow Baby's Blog

I feel like there are 2 sides of me now.This side, here on this blog, here in my safe spot. And that side, over there on Rainbow's blog. There are similarities between the two blogs, and there are serious differences that I wouldn't dare mention over there. 

 It was just an inital question/answer sesion with a little blood work and stuff like that. We met with the midwife "L.C." She is the reason why I switched to that practice to begin with. I saw her do some deliveries while I was working in L&D and I just thought she was amazing. She has had several losses and was VERY understanding about all of my crazy fears I have right now. I'm going to have my first ultrasound on April 15th to try to see tater tot's little heartbeat and to properly date our rainbow. She called me 5 weeks 2 days right now. Ryan and I think I am 4w6d but whatever. Then I'll have an ultrascreen between 11-13 weeks with Dr. Awesome, the high risk guy, to look @ the nuchal Translucency.

It was tough to go back there. Actually, It was sickening. The only time that I have been to this particular location for our OB office was the day that we got the bad news for Grace Willow. In the beginning of Jan we sat as far away from all of the other pregnant bellies as possible. Tough luck, it was a busy day. They all talked about their babies and how they were kicking. We sat there and waited, hoping to hear good news and hoping that the 3d ultrasound place was wrong.  We had another ultrasound and they saw the hydrops, they saw everything. We walked out of that appointment headed towards the Maternal Fetal Medicine guys, crying while all of the bellies stared at us with their nice happy pregnancies. Anyway, fast forward to now. I didn't want to sit in the same spot, we sat as far away as we could but it was a busy day again and we had to sit right next to where we sat before.

That long chair, that's where we sat last time. It doesn't look scary... It looks peaceful. But it's not. It's a scary dark place where you wait to find out that your baby will die.

We shouldn't have to go back to this office again. There is a location that is about 5 mins from us that we will go to from now on. There were still bellies looking at us. Probably because I don't have a belly yet? I dunno, maybe they know what happened to us. It felt like they did. Again they talked about their babies kicking. Am I ever going to feel that?  We had a different nurse then we had last time. We saw a different doctor. Things were different. I want them to continue to be different. She said that we can have as many ultrasounds as we need to make us feel reassured. I appreciate this. Our insurance company won't, but I do.

These fears are obnoxious. I'm back to not sleeping well . It'll be nice if we get some reassurance after our inital ultrasound. I just really really hope and pray that everything is ok in there. Like I've said before, Kangaroos' have it so easy. They can just open their pouch and peek in on their little Joey's development. I wish I could do that too! I just have to be at peace with the fact that things will turn out just as they are supposed to.

Oh and why when they need to do a vag exam..and they have you undress from waist down, do they give you something about as big as a paper towel to cover your entire bottom half. Seriously? I needed about 4 of those to cover myself. I'm picture happy ya know..but not that picture happy. They'll be no pix of me , my shirt, and a paper towel skirt. Don't get me wrong, I did think about it.

As I was siting there in my paper towel skirt and "L.C." was telling me about how she had had so many losses, all I could do was sit there and think. "This can happen over and over again?" Nooo. Please God , Please don't let this happen again. Please let me bring home a healthy baby. PLEASE.