June is on it's way

I miss her. June is coming quickly and her due date will be here before I know it. (June 25th) I just wanna sleep through that day. I dunno how you all did the whole due date thing. There are people I see that were pregnant at the same time as me. They are still pregnant. Yea yea, I know I'm pregnant again. But it's not that I miss being pregnant, I miss HER. Her life inside of my life. I knew her and now she's gone. I do love this tater tot baby SO much and am not saying I would rather have her then tater tot... I want them both. Maybe I'm just greedy. How dare me.

 Today we found a really good deal on a crib mattress. I had to buy it. I didn't think we would find another deal like that. Ok so I brought it home, took it upstairs, and looked at her. There she is, in her crib, in her urn, wrapped in her blankie. She was there with all of her stuff. The place she's been since January. What was I supposed to do. Buy a new crib? Leave her in that crib in our room forever. Trust me, I thought about it. Grief makes crazy things make sense. That's why I haven't kept her out of the crib since January. It was ment for her, so she should be in there... right? But now I have this mattress. I didn't even think about it when I bought it. Like I said, there are 2 sides of me. Where would it go? Will tater tot sleep on a mattress on the floor while their sister's ashes lay still in the crib. Again, I thought about it. I decided to move her. She felt heavier then normal while I was moving her out of the crib. Heavy with guilt maybe. I'm not sure. I moved her and all of her things, out of the crib. The cards, our peace bear, her ashes, my d/c papers from the hospital, her footprint cast, EVERYTHING. The crib was empty. So empty it hurt. Here is kinda what it looked like before I moved everything...

She's next to  the vase, wrapped up in the white blanket. The purple bag has her foot print cast in it. The bunny in the pink onsie has hear heartbeat in it. This is a pic from February, there has been much more stuff since then. 

Here it is now:

It's all moved now. She's still in our room. In fact, now she is where I can see her all the time. We are going to build a shelf to put her and all her things on. Until then, she's on the dresser. My daughter is on the dresser in a box. Damnit. Whoever told me that the 4th month after we lost her was going to suck, You were right.

I love my baby turkey tater tot. I love it with such a deep love that it makes me cry when I think about it too much. It doesn't mean I miss or love Grace  any less. Like I said, I want both. I think I'm being greedy.

I think I'll update TTT's blog soon. I have a lot to say... Then you can think I'm crazy when you read all about the OTHER side of me.