Emptiness and Nightmares
well.. first of all... i need to get this out ::
This is complicated. Grief is complicated. Sometimes I feel completely irrational, and sometimes I feel totally justified. Some people ignore us and avoid us because they don't know what to say and some people say all the wrong things. Some say they are giving us "space." people have told me that at least we can have another one. people say there is a reason for everything. Blah blah blah. I guess there isn't really RIGHT things to say or do because the only thing that would fix this would be for someone to tell us that our baby is ok and we will see her healthy and happy in July. Our family has been supportive and amazing and some friends have been too. however we have realized who are true friends are and who provides us with REAL support and comfort. Don't avoid me. This hurts. I need to cry, I need to talk about her, I need to vent. And I need my time to myself all at the same time. Don't change the subject and act like she didn't happen. Don't pretend to understand if you haven't been through it. just be there when I need you. Realize that some day I'm gonna be ok again... or so i hear. And I'm going to need you on the other side of this. please don't think i'm mad or that i have any bad feelings towards you. i'm sad. my baby died. my plans got changed, my dreams were stolen. i can't stand this and i don't know how to act either, just like you.
**************Anyway*****************
This last Christmas I could hardly keep my head clear. I was so excited at the thought of NEXT Christmas. I was so excited just thinking about the fact that we would have a almost 6 month old with us. I was dreaming about all of the presents we would buy the baby and how spoiled she would be. I was excited about taking her to have pictures done with Santa.
This emptiness I'm feeling is uneffingbearable. I can't stand myself, my thoughts, my dreams. I can't effing stand it. I know all about the stages of grieving and I bounce in and out of them a million times a day. Emptiness however is the worst of all of these emotions and it's not listed anywhere in the clinical "stages of grieving." Empty Empty Empty. Physically and emotionally empty. I have a Grace sized whole in my heart that only she can fill. She's no where to be found.
I hate this.
My thoughts are awful. They won't leave me alone. Currently I am feeling so guilty that my baby is all by herself in the morgue. That's an odd feeling and one I didn't think I would ever feel. I feel like a mama bear separated from her cub and it just isn't right. I feel so effing separated I can't stand it. I don't care how she looks, I NEED to have her here. I feel like I should be with her. And no, I don't care how ridiculous I am being. I have nightmares almost every night. I pray to God that I won't dream and I dream anyway. I've dreamed a million times that she has died in my arms. I've dreamed a million times of different ways of finding out about her death. Sleep is something I fear now and my heart is getting so tired. Before they told us about her Trisomy I used to dream that we were separated from her. I dreamed a million times that we gave birth and left the hospital without her. And look how things turned out. I hate my dreams.
We have a crib in our room. I feel foolish admitting that, but we do. Yea I know I was only 17 weeks along. But after the 12 week point and after our dr told us we were in the "safe zone," we wanted it up. We wanted some sort of concrete evidence that we had a baby on the way! Again... emptiness. The crib is still up, we can't take it down, we don't want it down just yet. It has a couple blankets and things that we and our families bought for Grace. I dreamed the other day that I woke up in the morning and I saw her standing there in her crib with her head peaking over the railing looking at me. She was smiling, and I didn't know I was dreaming.
I miss her growing safely inside of me. I miss watching my shape change each week. I miss my plans and my dreams for her. I miss everything about her. I miss my husband and I staying up late talking about how wonderful it was all going to be. I miss having that special bond with her. As I was going through other babylost blogs someone stated they felt like they had an emotional umbilical cord to their baby and I couldn't agree more. Now I feel like my half is just floating around attached to nothingness...emptiness. I feel bad for our parents. I feel bad that some of their happiness got taken away too. They were excited. They wanted this baby too.
I would have been a great mom. I would have read to her and played with her. I would have taken her to parks and taught her right from wrong. I would have done everything in my power to see that all of her dreams came true. Ryan would have been a wonderful dad too! I'm certain of that. We would have kissed her boo boos when she fell and scraped her knees. I only wish that we could have kissed her Trisomy 18 boo boo's away.
Today when I finally got around to taking a shower.. which was about 4:15ish, I was halfway done when I decided to sit on the shower floor and scream and cry like a crazy loon. Our neighbors probably think I'm crazy and I don't care at all. A new friend I have told me to feel what I feel when I feel it. Well, that's what I did. I screamed for her. I pleaded to wake up from this nightmare. But, I came out of the shower unchanged. Still in my nightmare, and still empty.
It's so hard to be rational right now. But rationally I know that someday this fog will lift and some day my heart will be at peace. Someday...
I hate this.
12 comments:
I can promise you one thing.
You will crawl through this, then be able to walk. It does get easier, I swear.
Until then, keep hanging on. I understand how long this road is.... long and horribly sad and lonely.
I'm here for you.
xo M.
Grief can be so many things. Empty, smothering, peaceful, angry, sad, nothing. I'm with Misty, you will get through this. Time won't heal everything but it will heal some. There will be many people who don't say the right things. They think they are being helpful and supportive when they really aren't. They just have no idea. Some people will avoid you. You may lose friendships and if you do then they weren't worth keeping.
You will always love and miss her.
Oh, and thank you for your congrats!!
i can't tell you one thing that i have learned in this last year without my son - there is NO specific way to navigate this. NO ONE can tell you what is right, or what is wrong about your grief. if today you feel like screaming on your bathroom floor, and tomorrow you are out picking flowers, then tht is what is right for YOU. and, if anything, this experience will make you realize the dipshits in your life, and allow you to purge them. that was one of the best things i personally did for myself - i got rid of dead weight friends.
this might help you:
http://papiese.blogspot.com/2009/06/help-us-out-little-bit.html
it's a list of things that people said to me that pissed me off. i posted it so all my friends knew how to navigate me. please steal and change as needed. you have to remember that your family and friends have probably never had a person close to them lose a child, and they just don't know what to do.
HUGS!
Please don't think that anything you are doing is not normal, and the things you think are not crazy. We had a crib for Ella up at 9ish weeks along. We carried her for 39 weeks, and she has been gone almost a year...and we have a fully stocked nursery still, the same as when she was supposed to come home.
I had to go to the funeral home to pick an urn. I knew Ella was there. I felt the same way...a mother just knows her young...I knew she was there, and I wanted to be with her.
As a reading recommendation, I would highly recommend a book called Dear Cheyenne. I got mine off Amazon. It's a short book, but it is such a great resource. It was the first thing I read shortly after Ella died, and it made me realize I am not alone.
Hugs to you,
Angela
I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl Grace Willow. I will be following your journey and am here to offer you support.
Take care~ CeCe
Megan,
Can I say I know exactly how you are feeling right now. I lost my angel baby boy on Dec. 29th. I was 21 weeks. Everything was perfect with him. I had a bleed at 13 weeks which caused my fluid to drop and ultimately his cord was compressed. I have hit the point where I have phantom kicks and think that his still ok. I get mad. I cry at the drop of a hat. I day dream about him, I can't sleep at night...etc..... I am just so thankful that I can grieve with other moms who have lost. They have helped me through this! Stay strong.. I don't want to say it gets easier. I just think we learn how to better cope with it. Take care of yourself and know you are in my prayers.
Megan,
I hate this too. I hate that anyone, anyone has to suffer through this horrendous, mind numbing pain.
And yes, it does get a little easier. It never gets better, just easier to manage. Scream like a "loon" whenever you need to. That is the only way you will survive.
Great post.
Love to you.
Thank you for your comment on my blog. I'm so, so very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain you must be going through right now, and I can't imagine that anyone would judge you for your feelings at a time like this. Do what you need to do to grieve.
Oh, Megan. I am so, so sorry about the loss of your beautiful Grace.
I went back in my blog to one month after Leila's death just to remember where you're at, and just know I will be praying for you constantly. Trust in God, He will hold you through this. You're at a hard time in your grief (is there ever an easy time? No, but you get used to it). Be kind to yourself. And please let me know if there's anything you need - I'm only an hour away.
Much love, sister. ((hugs))
Megan, I am so sorry for your loss and so sorry that you had to join us in this horrible club. It is the most difficult thing in the world. It is horrible. It sucks. It is unimaginable. But you will get through it. We are all getting through it - albeit in many different ways - but we are all getting through it. Do not deny your grief. Do not deny it the opportunity to express itself in whatever fashion it wants to come out...no matter how crazy it makes you feel before, during or after. Denying it will only make you feel worse than you already do. If people pass judgment on how you grieve, that's on them. An IRL friend of mine who suffered a 40 week stillbirth several years ago told me very early on that someday I would look back and be amazed by what I have survived. I knew then that she was right, but I wasn't in a place to admit it then. I know now that she was right. I am amazed and proud of what I have survived, but I know that I have much surviving left to do and I will look back in another 6 months and be amazed by what I have survived in the second six months. Many hugs to you as you continue in your healing.
Of course you would have been a wonderful mother to Grace! You are in fact a wonderful mother.
Unfortunately you will lose friends and you will probably be made to feel at some point like a walking worse-case scenario. It's hard. You are in the worst place now.
I know you can't see the light, but it is there and it will come.
I dreamed I lost my Zoe when I was two months pregnant. When she was born at 32 weeks and died three weeks later, I was so angry. It was like I should have known. Even if we would have, known that is, I don't think this would have been any easier.
Take it easy and do what you need to do for you.
I am SO sorry.
Thanks for inviting me to read here.
Lindsay (La La Land)
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